Back in law school, I spent countless hours pouring over the American Tax Code. As a lawyer, I’ve continued to study. Each year I brush up on my education: update my binders of Tax Codes in my shelves, familiarize myself with the latest big cases, etc. But in addition to the California Tax Code, I’ve had to learn my own, more personal set of taxes…
You see, we all pay taxes each and every day, in big ways and small ways, with money or time or cheese. Since one of my great goals in life is to educate the American public on the joys of tax law, I’d like to share with you all an excerpt from the Tax Code of John Faucher and Family. I hope this spurs some discussion and thought on the Tax Codes of your own families.
And if, in reading this, you realize you may have gone a few years without paying all your feline taxes, give me a call, we can see if a cat creditor bankruptcy could get some of those debts discharged.
John Faucher Tax Code, Section 451: Food & Drink Taxes
The Cheese Tax
This tax stipulates that every time you use cheese in a recipe –be it piles of grated gruyere for fondue or a dusting of parmesan over your pasta—you must consume at least 30% of the cheese volume called for while you’re preparing the recipe. This cheese may be ingested all at once, say cutting a wedge out of that gruyere and sticking it in your mouth, or it may be munched upon over the whole course of the cooking endeavor, perhaps, just one pinch of parm every time you pass the container.
The ”Julia Childs Tax”
This tax appears in the John Faucher Lesser Known Tax Code in the same section as the cheese tax and is one of only two taxes in whole of the JFLKTC that I myself, John Faucher, get to collect. Ms. Childs herself made the first mention of this tax in popular culture, hence in common tongue, we refer to it as her own tax. The code states that for every time wine is used in a recipe at dinner time, one Mr. John D Faucher must collect an additional cup of this same wine to sip at his leisure.
Wine Tasting Tax
Those of you with children over the legal drinking age who enjoy a nice weekend trip to Paso Robles like me, are most likely familiar with the hidden fees of your one- or two-night trip. Once your children learn of your plans, they seemingly materialize out of the ether, all at once in desperate need of family time and to collect their tax. A minimum of 200% price increase (per child) will suddenly be added to your travel plans.
If you shell out this tax to your collectors too easily, they will each suddenly need to impose a 300% increase to bring their plus-one of choice. You will of course enjoy your time wine tasting much more with the addition of their presence but you will witness this price increase at each and every winery…
John Faucher Tax Code, Section 81: Feline related Taxes
Lap Time Tax
This tax appears first in 2021 upon the adoption of the feline Milo Faucher, this dictates that for every hour I sit at my desk and work on my clients’ taxes, I must yield a minimum of 20 minutes of lap time to Milo Faucher. Lap time is defined as my allowing Mr. Milo Faucher to jump on my lap and lay himself completely horizontally with chin on keyboard.
Often this results in the related “drool on keyboard tax” (see Cat Tax Code of California Section B Part 142). The aforementioned Milo may receive his payment in pieces –20 minutes here and there—or he may collect his due all at once by sitting on me without pause for about 2 hours in the morning.
The Roomba-Cat Tax
By far the largest section of the John Faucher Lesser Known Tax Code is the feline section. Many of these pages are difficult to read as Sebastian –my paralegal—has a hard time typing up his tax descriptions with those furry paws. But in my house, you learn the code more from experience than from reading the books. My wife and I are more than happy to fork over this tax, however. It states that for each and every cat in the house, the house must have 2N+1 Roombas (where N is the number of cats).
This means that the house begins with one (1) Roomba and that each additional cat begets another two (2) Roombas to clean the fuzz balls that each cat creates. Currently, we have two cats (paralegals Sebastian and Milo) and five Roombas. This tax does not appear on the paperwork of cats adopted out of the Los Angeles Animal Shelter system though I have petitioned that they be more transparent about the hidden costs of cats and their associated robot vacuum cleaners.
John Faucher Tax Code, Section 119: Miscellaneous Taxes & Fees
The TV with Wife Tax
Of all the taxes my lovely wife collects from me, this must be the most time consuming. The code stipulates that for each 20-minute episode of TV I watch with my wife, I must: (1) rub her feet for the entirety of the show, and (2) watch an additional 45-minute episode of the TLC program Say Yes to the Dress about wedding dress shopping.
This is one tax I have learned to stop protesting firstly because there is no getting around the collector on this one and secondarily because –even though our wedding was more than 25 years ago and I’ve never had a particular interest in wedding dress shopping—I do quite enjoy my wife’s commentary on the show and every once in a blue moon I do sometimes, just for one second, like the show itself.